Archive for November, 2009

28
Nov
09

What a difference a season makes!

Mom rang me today from the beach we walk Harry on to tell me she was looking at Mount Brandon, Co Kerry covered in snow! When she rings from the beach it nearly brings me to tears as I miss home more and more these days!

Luckily she brought her camera!

Image one was taken today. Second image I took few weeks ago, Mt Brandon covered by clouds but snowless!

Beal Bán Winter 09


Beal Bán Autumn 09

22
Nov
09

Travelling through the Dark

Few months ago I found some essays I wrote in 5th/6th year in school! I used always be afraid of people reading what I wrote, for embarrassment more than anything else! I often feel same with this blog, keeping it a secret from many of my friends. But here is one of my essays, one that got read aloud in class and one I achieved 87% for, quite a high mark for someone who struggled with honours english!

I wrote this age 17 at a time I enjoyed writing.

Travelling through the Dark

Dark, sitting quietly-thats all I do. What else can I do. My mind is locked with heavy chains-I am stuck in a hole. I have no control of the link between my physical self and mental self-I am motionless. But I understand.Mad, they think I am mad. I am not. Just alone in a hollow body. No feelings. Numb. Why would there be? But thought. Yes, plenty of thought. I am not mad, just alone. I am here, but wish to be elsewhere-with him.

I understand it all. I am always aware. They think i don’t know. But I do. They think I am insane, but I am not. They think I am not able to think. But I am. Slow down. I must slow down and explain. By them, I mean them. The doctors and the nurses. Yes, I am “locked up”. Yes I may appear mentally and emotionally unfit to live alone-yet alone I live. I live alone in this head. I suffer, he doesn’t. He’s free, I am not. Free to strike again. Free to do to another woman what he did to me-free once again, to strike in the dark-to steal two lives. Physical life through murder. Mental life trough rape. I wish he killed me too. I still suffer. But Ben suffers no more. He tried to help. But that single bullet was too powerful, too late. He died. And somehow, I died with him.

Fear, yes at night. This all happened in the dark. I am safe in here but I long to be out. The dark haunts me, yet the dark invites me. I can’t ignore its calling. The dark is the only place I can find Ben. Dark, sitting quietly.

Lights, quick, plough towards me. I still sit quietly. Beems of light, brighter now flash faster. I begin to tremble. Blurred, a deep muffled voice speaks, “Five mills of tranquliser, she must sleep”. Sleep-what is sleep? I do no sleep. Pinch. Sharp pinch in centre of right arm. Deep penetration and a sensation of warmliquid fills my veins. Pleasure, white lights again, but no fear this time. Mind wandering in bliss, but suddenly. Thud. My body is pounded by a thousand rocks at once. I am back, back to reality. Voices speak again, more distant. “Up the dossage, its no harm, poor soul”. Yes, mind engulfed in tender smoke of burning cells. I feel lighter, happier. I am there.

I am there. I am in the dark. This is what I yearn to do. To travel through the dark. No, I am not crazy. I know it is not real. But I know it is my only time. My only time with Ben. It’s familar, yet always different. A new experience every time. I am fearful, yet overjoyed. My body is now one with my mind. I move and function as I did, before. I am in sheer bliss.

So dark. Cold is now munching at my half naked body. Soon I shall have him. So soon. I run, overcome with anticiation. I run so fast, bare footed on the shadowy, crispy musky green grass. I am knocked, knocked with incredible force. I raise my head and all I see is puffs of hot breath against the naked starlit sky. I close my eyes and stare into semi blindness.

“I am being watched”. Of course, it is Ben. He has found me. Twirling before me, I reach out.But he is firther this time and I am so much weaker. Anxiety kicks in. I have come so far. i push harder. I fall. I fall with him.Together we land. Silence all around, beautiful silence. Word mean nothing. Nothing needs to be said. No need for words, neither of us need them. We know it will be short. Our time in the dark will be short.

He embraces and holds meas he always did. His soft hands caress my bare shoulders. He is my brighness. He quenches my pain. He is the one for me. I watch him. I watch his beautiful eyes., black as the dark we are enveloped in close gently and his deep blood red lips curve sweetly, to a perfect smile. He suffers and he longs to travel with me. To me, for me. Through the dark.

No! Stop! Not yet! Hold on! It is too soon! Air.. blue cold.. red light.. white mist.. green bushes.. yellow pain. Afraid. I run, but where? It is dark. Fear and pain overcome my body, like millions of bugs feeding on my flesh. He is gone. I am afraid. He is stolen from me, just like that night seven years ago to this day in the dark forrest. Gone.

Wet, hot, stickty-I awake in a puddle of my own sweat. I hear a voice, sweeter this time. ” Awe poor love, she has never been right since that night. She never sleeps. Always has terrible night terrrors. God knows what goes on in the dark of her mind-nothing probably!”. But they are wrong.I exist in the dark. I am pain free in the dark. I long to travel through the dark but only can in my sleep. As asleep I am safe. I know I am safe. But sleep will not come.

The end

Please rememeber this was written age 17! Hope you enjoyed!

19
Nov
09

Comhghairdeachas a Louise!

Just a quick one to say congrats and well done to Long No 2 who last Friday was conferred in CIT with a Bachelor Degree in Visual Communications! To us mere mortals she is a fully qualified Graphic Designer! Yay! A great weekend was had by Muintir Uí Lúing in Cork City last weekend… thanks for having some nutters from the Kingdom ;).

Also bualadh bós for the parents too, an achievement for them as much as Louise! They have now raised two ladies with Bachelor Degrees and another one on the way le cunamh Dé (Ladies is prob a bit of a stretch mind!)

So Hip hip hooray for Louise! Very proud of ya Sis

xxx

09
Nov
09

At a crossroads..

Today I headed back to my job, my real job! The one I love!

Last Friday I resigned in my position as Personel Manager to over 80 staff and today I went back to work as an Optometrist, a role I love and trained so very hard for! Even on my first day back, an old dear of 73 said “You just love your job, you can really tell and its lovely to see!”. That little old dear just made sense of the last four weeks of tears and inner turmoil!

I was unhappy and stressed but was afraid to speak up! I spent so long worried about what my staff would think, what my boss would think, what my friends would think. But most importantly I was afraid of what my family would think. My parents especially! It seems so silly now as they have never put any expectations on us. We are three girls of very different talents and traits, and we were always let be ourselves and never pressurised to conform. We were always encouraged to achieve our own abilities no matter how big or small no matter what the one before had achieved! So why I felt I would disappoint them, I have no idea! So much so I drove nearly 250miles to Kerry to tell them face to face! But part of that long drive was just needing to see them, a hug and reassurence I think I deep down always knew I would get!

But in hindsight now, and its only been 2 weeks, I realise I was being silly and putting too much expectations on myself! I took a position with no training, in a large company at the age of 24, only two months before a global recession! I did the job for over 16 months and realised it wasn’t not for me! I don’t do confrontation and conflict! I am trained as a primary health care proffessional! I am trained to care! I do care and I cared too much!

The decision is made now and I feel 5 stone lighter (not actually 5 stone lighter unfortunalty!)! I am back to my own positive self and I am happy in myself again!

I want to thank my family for being there for me! Thanks to my Mom for crying with me. Thanks to my Dad for saying the right things. Thanks to Louise for letting me cry in my beer. Thanks to Jen for her “fuck them” attitude!. Thanks to Lorraine for listening and listening and listening! Thanks to my Nana for not giving out! And I know this may sound strange but thanks to my Gogs, Lord rest His soul as my Nana would say, who in the past few weeks I have felt was always there, especially as I drove along thinking too much, saying “Life’s too short a chailín!”

To all of you, I promise not to be so silly again!

Thanks for being there. Always!

My Family!

04
Nov
09

Tea Time

Tea bags

This is a bit of a silly one! But I need it after the last serious (but very important!) post!

Hi, my name is Amy and I am a Barry’s Gold Blend Tea drinker!

But I have been bold and cheating on Barry with Bewley’s Gold Blend! Its yummy! Deep red and strong, my excuse is the winter!

Barry’s I will be back, but I have 120 cups of deceit to drink first!

X

02
Nov
09

The All Clear!

This is not one of my usual posts, so apologies for deviation but its something I feel strongly about!

It’s also one the Dudes may want to stop reading here! (Unless you have a sister, partner, female friend, mother!)

Last Thursday I picked a letter up off my wet hall floor! I knew where it had come from! I was anxiously looking forward to it! I opened it … skimmed down the headed paper of The Rotunda Hospital, “… no abnormalities detected …” WOW!

The story began in May 2007, so long ago now! On a small visit to my new GP with a foot complaint she quizzed me on when I last saw a doctor! It had been over 2 years for anything other than repeat pill prescriptions, the usual! She asked when was my last smear test (sorry boys if you are still with us, you are excused now if needed!). *When*! I am only gone 23 I said, sure you don’t need them until you are 25! Her recommendation, and its one I have heard from a number of practitioners since, that all women should have a smear one year after becoming sexually active! I, along with most of my peers, was over that “one year” threshold! So I booked in!

If you have never had a smear, yes it is terrifying! Yes it is awful taking off your pants and lying on the bed! Yes it is a little uncomfortable (but NOT painful!) Yes it feels awful re dressing yourself! But it beats surgery, possible loss of ability to bear children, chemo, losing your hair, worried family members … the list could go on!

Results took two weeks. I turned out to have Grade 1 (Mild) Pre Cancerous Cell changes. Course I panicked at word “cancerous”, but it’s important to know they are cells showing mild changes and may never turn into cancer! I was booked for Colposcopy (a kind of scope in the obvious area to assess actual cells). This was performed 6months later in The Rotunda. I was given choice of laser there and then but was assured as I was a non smoker I could wait 6 months for another check-I wimped out and waited!

Roll on 6 months and off to The Rotunda again. Same procedure. My cells had changed to Grade 2 (Moderate) and it was decided to laser them there and then! A simple procedure. Small injection (again in obvious region!). This was worst part for me! Next day I was fine! A dentist visit has been worse!

What I want to highlight at this stage is I was just gone 24! Still under the “Recommended” 25! One year exactly I had gone from Grade 1 to Grade 2. Next stage is 3 and then it’s possible Cervical Cancer! And all I need to mention at this stage is the very brave 27 year old Jade Goody and the many, many more victims!

One year and six months later of 4 more smears I am finally clear! It seems like a long wait but I always felt safe and secure in the hands of the team in The Rotunda! The midwives are absolutely amazing!

I have since sent a lot of my girlfriends for Smears, and one turned out to have Grade 3 (Severe) Pre Cancerous Cells and was told she was lucky she went then! She had just turned 25!

So,

If you are under 25 and sexually active please speak to your GP!
If you an over 25 chicken please speak to your GP (For you it is now FREE on the Cervical Screening Programme! http://www.cervicalcheck.ie/).
If you are shy, they are lady doctors and nurses and it’s all done with dignity!
If you are a Mammy and too busy looking after your Babies’, take one long hard look at them and go speak to your GP!

Ladies there is nothing to fear! Trust me, I am the biggest baby and moaner and I survived it fine!

Here’s The National Cervical Screening Programme again http://www.cervicalcheck.ie/

(If anyone needs recommendation for amazing female GP’s in Dublin City Centre pop me a line!)




Country bumpkin living it up in the big smoke!

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Beer o Clock-Mahina time! Brewed and bottled on Rapa Nui

Ahu Akivi, only alter inland and facing the sea

Ahu Akivi, only alter inland and facing the sea

Ahu Akivi, only alter inland and facing the sea

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